How wide… How deep
Sometimes when I read people’s writings I really just want them to get to the point so here it is, God healed me.
It’s taken me an entire month to process and let it sink in which is why this post is so late. I always imagined that if I experienced a full on miracle of healing I would be yelling from the rooftops, but it takes me awhile to process. I was fearfully and wonderfully made that way.
Here’s the time line, here’s the recounting, here’s the absolute honest truth:
Jesse and I apply for life insurance because we decide to be responsible parents 🙂 When you apply for life insurance they take blood, urine and other vital information. My urine analysis was positive (+) for protein. The nurse comes back to my home to take 2 more samples in one week. Both were (+) for protein. The insurance company advised me to “see a doctor” and rated me as high risk therefor charging me more for less coverage than my husband who had a normal rating. Did they find something that made them think I was at risk for premature death?
I make an appointment with a family physician. Initial quick urine test is (+) for protein. The Dr. explains a healthy young individual should not have any protein at all. They asked for a 24-hour urine analysis which was (+) as well. I was advised to wait 3 months and retest to see if this was a fluke thing that my body would correct eventually. I decided to see a specialist because after 3 babies and countless urine tests from my OBGYN, I have never had protein in my urine.
January 14, 2011
After anxiously waiting for the appointment with the nephrologist, (kidney specialist) he reviews the lab results from the insurance company and says, “it’s a very good thing that you came in.” I was leaking 800 mg of protein. He said the kidneys are in bad condition when 1-3 grams are being spilled. (1000 mg per 1 gram) A young person my age should not be spilling this much protein and he asks about family history, specifically focusing on the disease called Lupus. I told him I did not know of anyone in my family having Lupus and he asks for more blood tests, a kidney ultrasound, and “oh we might have to do a biopsy.” I’m thinking… a biopsy? You want to stick a long needle in my back? Oh this is not good.
Over the course of that week, I give blood, urine and have an ultrasound. I also talk to my Mom who gives me the family history I was missing. My great-grandma had Lupus. I look up the disease and begin to see similarities in my symptoms. One of the most common ways Lupus is diagnosed is by kidney failure and protein spillage. It’s a multi-system disease affecting major organs and largely not understood by the medical community. 80% of the time it affects women ages 15-45 and there is a genetic inheritance factor.
February 4, 2011
After three weeks of waiting for the test results from the specialist I had a follow-up appointment. I prepared myself for that appointment and expected to hear that I had Lupus. The Dr. came in to the room and said, “as far as I can tell, you’re fine. All of your blood tests came back normal.” I was shocked, asked him to explain himself again and laughed out loud. It felt great to laugh. He laughed out loud with me and said, “I know, I’m trying to make sense of it myself. I told you you might need a kidney biopsy the last time I saw you.” He actually turned the computer screen towards me to show me the blood results to help me understand I was fine, that’s how in shock we both were. I told him I had found out there was a genetic link to Lupus and he said, “it’s not Lupus.” He was totally undone as far as doctors go. He really didn’t even know how to end the appointment or what the protocol was for sending home a healthy patient because most of the time specialists only see the really sick people. He said, “I guess I would advise you to get an annual physical and make sure they check your kidney functions in your blood work and your free to go.” I’m free… I’m free… I’m free after thinking I had Lupus, this was a total mind shift.
I have intentionally left out the best part of the story; the encounter with the Holy Spirit. The morning of January 14th, I was awake at 5:30 am and nervous. I had never seen a specialist for anything and I had a sinking feeling something was very wrong. I was reading a book called Walking with God: Talk to Him. Hear from Him. Really. by John Elderedge. I had just read an entry about God’s love. How wide, how deep? I decide to invite God into my circumstances for the day. I ask him to be present in my life, to go with me to the appointment. I ask for his love to invade my heart so deeply that I can feel him with me because I was scared. I’m longing for his love. I’m asking to hear his voice, to be my very real and present help in times of trouble. As I’m sitting in my Lazy boy recliner I begin to feel my body relax. You know those dreams where you are falling but there’s no bottom and you just keep falling. It’s a feeling of depth. I’m experiencing that as I am fully awake sitting in a chair. I recognize his love, his Spirit’s presence and invite him to go deeper. I keep asking him to go deeper with his love. After an hour had passed which felt like minutes, I begin wiggling my very relaxed fingers and toes and I feel refreshed and ready to face the specialist and the tasks of the day. At the time, I didn’t recognize this as my healing, I only recognized his love and presence in my time of need. Did He heal me deep down to the cellular level, yes, I believe He did. Only God knows what He fixed and what He healed because he did it before the diagnosis. He did it before the Dr’s even had time in their busy schedules to see me. He did it before the Dr. could shove a long needle in my back. Did I have Lupus, I will never know. What I do know is that He is my Father, who knows what I need before I ask. I didn’t know I needed healing on the deepest of cellular levels, but He did. He doesn’t impose himself, He waits for our invitation and He acts out of intense love for us. There is no formula for healing, there is no special guru to go to to be prayed over. There is only the One living God who loves his kids and wants to give to them generously. Oh how I love Him
I want to know you,
let you Spirit overwhelm me,
let your presence overtake my heart.
–Jesus Culture featuring Chris Quilala
And now, one month later, as doubt begins to creep in and my fallible heart begins to process it all I ask, will the disease come back? Will my body fail in this way again?
I choose to believe not.